Ah, A Reprive

Well, I think I’ll be able to get the hang of this soon enough. I am in the middle of a three-day weekend of sorts. I even turned my phone off (which may not have been a good idea, but I had the feeling that I would just continue to be stressed out if I was glancing at the phone every two minutes) I have not gamed in a while, although I do have Minecraft on my computer now. I worked really hard to make a cool looking house– and then moved on to another area. I can’t find any sheep though. I found enough to make one bed– but I’m afraid if I kill any more of them, I’ll be doomed.

Also, work on Zetty’s story has come to a grinding halt. So much of a halt that I haven’t even dreamt about things for her story in over a week. On the other hand, Overfide, my newest outlet of insanity, has been taking massive leaps in production. For anyone who missed the post on that, Overfide is something that hit me like a lead brick. To the face. Multiple times. With the force of a train.

Thanks to Overfide, I have once again tapped into that gory place in my brain that I haven’t been able to write from in ages. Let me give you an example of what I mean. A few weeks ago, I was really sleep-deprived and typing a memo to myself. Basically, trying to start a conversation with myself. Did I mention I was tired? Anyway, so I was typing, and suddenly:

“i just…. i havent’ had any fodder for writing, other than the story that has been dragging me by the hair. first Zetty’s story, then that flirtatious vampire story, and now this. This monster/masterpiece that attacked me. A story devoted to fear itself. Something everyone can relate to… although perhaps the story is more painful than i can let on. It is making me dredge things from the drain that is covered in dried blood. i’m clawing at it, trying to get it open. fingernails broken. fingertips busted. biting my tongue to keep from screaming with pain and or frustration….
my brain has been in this dark, dark place for a while. and i don’t know why. it is strange, and kind of enthralling….”

The next day, I recalled that I had typed something, and had no memory of what it was I had actually concocted. Upon reading it, I just sat there, feeling along the walls of my mind for that door that had been closed for so long. It is still open. I can finally write the way I once did.

There was a time when, when I wrote, I would stare into the screen, my fingers blurring over the keyboard, for up to 4 hours. And then, upon stopping, I would marvel at what I had produced, because, at that “delicate” age for me, this dark, terrible, tragic stuff that I was writing (about murder and the like, to be general) was coming out of nowhere, as if I were not the one truly writing it. Sometimes it’s still like that.

Oh, and some good news that is in no way related to what I just wrote: I should be able to get out of debt relatively quickly, if I could just find my landlord. She still leaves notes on my door, but I can’t find her, and when I call her, it goes straight to voicemail. This is worrisome, but I am confident that it will work out.

And an afterword: if anyone is interested in that “flirtatious vampire story” I mentioned in my night-time rant, tell me in the comments!



Oh, Boy…

Well, I made it through the night– and now I’ll have to make it through the day, too. Vlad is coming over, and it is going to be hard to stay awake. However, it is a necessary thing, because it will put me on a good schedule again… I have to go to my dad’s house tomorrow morning to get my oil changed. I’ve been running the car pretty hard, even knowing that it needed an oil change.

I believe I am insane when it comes to my cars. I name them. Just like my knives, I just have to name them. I have dual daggers named Kono and Hana (anyone who knows Japanese will tell you that they respectively mean “that” and “flower”, however, together, “konohana” is the name of an important figure in Shinto belief, if I am not mistaken. Others might recognize it as the woodsprite from Okami). My pocket-knife’s name is Shiko (as in Death-child). And I have an ornamental katana named Kekkon (which could either translate to bloodstain or marriage. The scabbard and hilt have red speckles on them, like blood, hence the name. But the potential double meaning of the word prompted me to write a story when I got it well over a year ago).

As for cars, my first one I named Senri, which basically means “one thousand units of travel” which was ironic, because I only had him for a week before he was rendered undrivable by means out of my control. No, I didn’t wreck him. He wrecked himself. He was not much younger than me. Next was Kyou, which at the time I mistakenly thought meant “strength” but learned that it meant “today”. Woops. After I crashed Kyou, I eventually ended up with my current car. I waffled back and forth over what to name her, and eventually decided on “Ashita” which means “tomorrow”. See what I did there?

But yes. This had absolutely no relevance whatsoever to anything. It is just an amusing story about how I name just about everything that I love. (In fact, my guitar was named after a character I never got to add into a story. Zucotzo. It doesn’t mean anything. I just liked how it sounded, but never got to use it because I scrapped his story. I also have a hand-blown glass dagger that’s handle is a purple dragon with gilded horns. I named him Spyro, of course!) This post is mainly to keep me awake until Vlad gets here. What we will do today, I don’t know. Probably game, watch funny videos, and go out to eat… so I should be kept awake fairly easy, as long as I’m entertained. Wish me luck!

Well, Isn’t that Sweet?

Hello again, denizens of the webiverse! I am back again, and have some good(?) news for you all.

I am officially working two jobs now. Yup. Official and all that jazz. i start on thirds Thursday evening. I am excited to pull this off. So excited, in fact, that I’m typing too fast and making lots of typos. I swear, for every letter I type, I hit the backspace button at least once.

In other news……

Wait. That’s all?!

Eh, it seemed like more.

I’ve been playing Okami a lot. It cheers me up when I’m sad. You know, with the amazing soundtrack, stellar story… Anyway.

Now that I have both jobs, and one of them will be producing a sizable amount of moolah, even if the other one offers only scant hours, I should be able to pay off my debt quickly, if not easily. All without getting a loan.

Vlad and my anniversary is coming up. It is the 25th, and we will have been together for 4 years! I’m hoping that I can find something for him that won’t throw me too off with my bills. But what do you buy an adult child who has everything he wants (and the only things i know he likes are waaaaay out of my budget)?!

But, you know, life is going on. I’ve had my ups and downs lately, depression-wise. It’s kind of steady. I just wonder how that will be when Vlad moves to Lexington without me. I haven’t told you guys yet, I bet, but I am not going after all. It’s too much of a risk, and… well… Vlad basically said he’d rather me stay here. I have more here if I need help. So even though I don’t want to be that far away, I guess it’s just something we’ll have to do.

And I haven’t given up on doing let’s plays, either. I don’t have the software or hardware for it yet, but once I save up enough for it, I won’t waste time.

If you have any questions about the new project, or anything else, feel free to ask. When I am conscious again, I will answer!

Wish me luck. I have to stay up all night tonight and half of the day tomorrow to effectively screw up my sleeping patterns again. Third~shifts~!

I’m Baaaaaaack (with an all-new and extremely awesome project)

I really have no excuse for that long absence. Seriously, I don’t– and I’m sorry. However, I have done lots of stuff since the last time I posted. I had his a block in my life in most manners. I had no money, no food, and my creativity was starting to dwindle due to the fear and depression. My hours got cut at my job because we weren’t getting much business, but I understand that. I’m just glad I still have a job.

However, I won’t be getting anywhere with my debt unless I start making more money, so…. I applied for a third-shift job at walmart. They called me back before I could call them. I went through the interview, took the drug test, and Friday, I will go to orientation. After that, the real war will begin. Once I get the hang of working there (and sleeping only when I get the chance– my life will seem similar to the song Caffeine by Psychostick), I expect my hours at Subway will increase back to normal.

I’m enjoying sleep while I can, knowing that I won’t have time to after this week. Of course, I am also saying this because I want to keep blogging as well– perhaps before I pass out each morning/evening.

If I can just pull this off, I will be able to get out of debt within a few months, of this I am confident, and then I’ll be able to start saving up. I’ll be able to buy myself things, and perhaps I can buy my own house, away from noise. In the future, I guess I could always just rent it out if I move, or sell it when I decide to move far away. But I’d like to own something, you know?

Eh, as you can see, my ambitions have increased. My funds, hopefully, will too. I’ll be able to afford to study programming, and I’ll start trying again to learn Japanese, now that I have a friend who wants to learn it with me– and that brings me to my next topic.

You may have noticed that when I start writing a story, I stop working on it soon after having started. That happens a lot for me. I have been writing since 3rd grade, and have started at least 25 stories– and never finished a one. Sure, I’ve completed 2 written manuscripts, and another story is entirely typed except for ONE MAJOR EVENT, but, well… I think I am afraid of success, or something. I’m afraid of what comes after, and I’m terrified that, since I can’t afford to publish them, one of the “free publishing companies” will rip me off. I’m just… terrified of losing my stories to someone else. That’s another reason why I don’t share them.

But after I stopped writing Zetty’s story (which you can find entombed at http://zettytrat.tumblr.com/) I began working on a vampire story (that is sparkle-free, btw) and then, once that left my head— BOOM! Headshot. Something snuck into my brain and took me apart from the inside out. It was so amazing that I sat and wrote out a glossary, and then character profiles, and then looked up tons and tons of Tribal Tattoos and other Tribal markings. I was obsessed with this idea. In love with it.

And then I let two of my friends in on it. One says, Awesome! Can’t wait to read it. The other says, This would make an awesome TRPG, or video game. (TRPG is a table top roleplaying game, for those of you unfamiliar with them) This friend is who got me into TRPGs, namely with Tenra Bansho Zero. His idea of my new story becoming an in-depth TRPG stunned me– and then I started thinking how awesome it would be. So now he an I are working on the system, using such amazing role models for TRPGs such as Tenra Bansho Zero, Call of Cthulhu, and of course D&D. We’ve come up with many unique ideas, and we have a lot of ground to cover. A lot.

Updates on the new story will be on another blog, http://fideandfear.wordpress.com/, where this aforementioned friend is an administrator as well, so if I am working too much and can’t update, he can. So, yeah. Once we get some things figured out, and COPYRIGHTED, I’ll start posting story notes, and perhaps the glossary, and maybe some other things to that blog. Keep an ear to the ground, because once we get everything fleshed out, we are going to use Kickstarter to fund our project. We will definitely have rewards for donors, including a copy of the novel, once I finish it (and I can’t stop working on it. He’s keeping me on target), and other bonuses. This is going to be incredibly fun, if a lot of work. Please support us in this, and give us some feedback! And, of course, leave comments on this blog and that one asking any questions you may have. And, finally, one last thing, when I learn programming and such, I do indeed intend to make this an actual game. Perhaps a PC game that will extend to consoles if it is a success. I, myself, am leaning more toward the PS4, but that’s just me.

So for now, I leave you with the encouragement to follow this project, and tell me what you think! Don’t worry, Zetty’s story isn’t dead, I’m just stepping away from it for now.

I am also not giving up on my gaming channel. Once I get out of debt, I’m buying the hardware and software I need to do that. First thing, I promise.

Feeling Better Now

I’ve been busier at work. Like, much busier. When I get home, I’m exhausted, mentally. I don’t work fast enough (something’s always wrong, you know? I hate that, but it seems like a pattern here.) so I get pushed a lot by the people I work with. Not physically (most of the time, heh) but still…

But oh well. I’m learning. I can learn fast, but to do the task fast, I have to take my time. And then there are times when I suddenly kick into overdrive (like when I’m angry, or when I’m afraid. In that situation, I could run the entire station by myself for quite a while.) and I bump into people a lot.

I pulled a 10-hour shift today, and can’t fall asleep yet. Mind won’t let me, even though I got very little sleep last night… Come to think of it, I have a sandwich in my car that I forgot to bring in to eat. Never got a bite of it! I had fun at work, though, for the most part–

My thoughts are bouncing around a bit too chaotically. That’s why this seems too jumpy and spastic. I should get off of here before I start typing random stupid stuff. Plus, I have to wake up even earlier tomorrow…

I will try to update tomorrow, but will have company, so if I don’t, don’t worry. I’m not dead. Who knows? Perhaps I’ll stream something. Never know. Might be fun.

I’m Still Alive

Sorry if I worried anyone with my inactivity… I’ve just been a bit preoccupied with a busy work schedule and the sheer amount of Christmas celebrations that I attended. Last night, after work, I spent all of the gift-card money I got for Christmas, and still made it home by 1am. It’s nice to have the practical stuff, sometimes. It really is.

In other news, work is going really well. In fact, I took a shift today that I wouldn’t have gotten if I weren’t “so nice.” A girl who works second shift came in and she and her mom practically begged me to take her shift for today. I need the hours pretty badly, so I said yes. They made it clear that she’d cover one of my shifts if I need it– but… well, I need my shifts, for one thing, and also– how do I know she won’t forget to show up? I don’t want to lose my job over that.

Also, a friend that I worked with about a year ago showed up, and was looking for a job. I vouched for him on the spot, as a good friend– but I was really being honest. He’s a good guy, who doesn’t start drama, shows up on time, and doesn’t just stand around. We definitely need more people like that!

I’m also pretty thrilled that my manager complimented me on my work. He pretty much told me not to fret over being slow. He said that I would build up speed over time, and he understood that.

I apologize that this post is boring and unrelated to anything… but it’s an effort to put anything on here at all– because I sliced my fingertip open on a DRINK LID (I don’t even know how), and so it’s pretty hard to touch anything, especially typing. Ugh, you never realize how much you touch stuff until it hurts. And even worse, since it’s on the finger tip, it’s almost impossible to put a bandaid on it. Unless I put a gob of tape over it– keep in mind I’m working with food, and no one wants a band aid touching their food.

Things are starting to look up, though. I mean it this time. More hours, more money, and I feel stable again. It’s miraculous how much of a difference that makes! I know now that I’m going to be okay– and it’s done wonders for my attitude. It’s easier to smile, and much easier to deny those tendrils of depression and doubt that ALWAYS surface when Vlad goes away for a while (he won’t be back until the second week of January).

That about sums it up. When I get home tonight, I’ll probably post something else, or maybe I’ll have a link later leading to something on deviantART, since I started a drawing weeks ago– and have been thinking of working on it. But until then, I need to get ready. I want to go in looking pretty, so then maybe people can ignore the band aid on my finger, or the bruises that keep popping up on my arms (I bruise like a banana; people are gonna think I get into fights)!

I Don’t Understand!

I think I have food poisoning, or something. This is coming from someone who can dare to eat nearly-raw steak (om nom yum). I woke up too early feeling like I had heartburn– only it was down in my stomach, trying to claw its way up my esophagus with cleats and a pick-axe, mountain-climber style. So in addition to feeling like that, I went to work, and every time I would get into my work, moving quickly, doing things, one of two things would happen. One: I would suddenly see all white for a moment and become light-headed or dizzy, or feel pain in my head or ringing of the ears. Like someone biffed me in the head with a 2-by-4. Two: my stomach would abruptly tell me that I should go sit down, or it would assert authority by rejecting what little was left in my stomach.

So when I was waiting in the bathroom last night, unsure if I would get sick again, I was reading one of my 3 or 4 books on learning Japanese and missed how fun it was to learn the language. I missed the feeling of being a part of something that made me think of a future that right now seems unattainable. On top of that, I realized that I was thirsty for that culture (and water. I needed water, but was afraid to get up). So I read until I felt strong enough to go back to sleep. When I woke up again a few hours later, I sat on the edge of my bed, feet pointed toward the bathroom door, book open on my lap.

So what does this have to do with the price of tea in China (cliche’d phrase, I know)? While I was reading, I suddenly thought “I have 15 days until the next issue of Skip Beat is released in Japanese. It will take a while for anyone to translate it, won’t it?” and then I looked at the stack of books, and my laptop, and thought “I could totally translate the next issue! It would be a great way to learn and feed my obsession. Kill two birds with one stone (cliche’d phrase #2. Somebody stop me), and it could help fellow fans of the manga who don’t have the resources I do!” So I decided right then that when I woke up the 20th of this month, I would find that chapter, and I would make a mad dash at translating. It will likely be the hardest thing I’ve ever done– but it will be extremely rewarding. Especially reading back over it, reading it as it was meant to be read, free of grammatical errors (the one drawback of Internet scanlations: horrendous grammar is more common than big eyes in a manga).

Anyway, having survived work without throwing up, I’m proud of myself, and so I will proceed to lie around in bed until I manage to pass out. I still feel that burn in my stomach, and I worry that it will wake me up. I just hope it isn’t salmonella, or something that will last a while, like the flu. Around here, there has been a stomach virus going around. I don’t know how it could possibly be passed on, especially since I haven’t come into contact with someone with it in any way that would pass it on to me. At least, not that I know of.