Have I Been Lying to Myself?

Usually, I can go at least a month– maybe up to three months– without suffering a bout of depression. However, when Vlad leaves, and I can’t talk to him, see him… I begin to become volatile. I will have a couple days when I’m okay, and then I will become overwhelmed with anger for the next two or three. And then the immense sadness, and regret will wash over me, and I’ll drown in it for at least three days.

Today I felt both the anger and the sadness. I felt like screaming, like destroying things. I also wanted to hurt myself. Memories swirled around in my head, thundering my own disapproval of myself over and over, whirling and striking me where it most hurt. And I realized I may have been lying to myself.

Let me explain what was in my head– and maybe it will help me. When I was in high school (particularly freshman and sophomore years) I had not yet know that I was extremely awkward. I didn’t know how to interact with people, and, when forced to, I would humiliate myself with things that didn’t make sense or just looked or sounded outright stupid.

So what? Well, my biggest hope in high school was to be in the chorus and drama classes– because at that time, I had wanted to go into that field. SPOILER: I gave up.

When I finally got into those classes, I had only a couple friends in there. Everyone was like a family– it was something I desperately wanted to be a part of. I kept to myself entirely, out of fear that they would shun me– since, aside from the few friends I did have, everyone seemed to dislike me. Several people, including the teacher, openly encouraged me to join in, and interact with them… and so I did.

And was immediately made the class pariah. Even my friends that were in that class would COMPLETELY ignore me as soon as we entered the class. I didn’t understand. I realized that the class was not a family, but a clique. One that I was definitely not welcome in.

It was during the time I had those classes that my depression cycled crazily. I would cry every day– usually when I would get home– and I had even less self-esteem than before. I wanted to die, because I felt that the one group I thought would appreciate me– they hated me. I was in a musical production of “Little Shop of Horrors” that pains me to remember. If I watch or even think about it, it makes me want to hurt myself. I remember all the pain, all the humiliation. I remember just how much I hated myself.

And even though that time has passed, every time I think about it, I find that I hate myself just as much, if not more.

So what prompted this sudden self-loathing? I seemed to be doing so well! I was even saying things like “I’m completely satisfied with myself right now.”

Well, one of the girls that was in those classes works with us. Usually she works at the other store, and she mostly works mornings– but tonight she came to our store and took charge. Why does this matter?

She was one of the ones who encouraged me to interact. She was also one that gave me the most disgusted looks. Not to mention she has always been a favorite to teachers, and everyone else at work knows she is the bosses’ favorite. She can bend the rules, and they don’t say a word.

And every damn time I look at her, I feel that loathing crawl up my throat, stabbing, stabbing, stabbing.

She talks to me like I’m a child– at least that’s how it seems. She treats me like an idiot. And when I stopped to eat, she said some things that felt like she was being passive aggressive. As if I didn’t deserve to eat, that I wasn’t working hard enough.

And who knows. Maybe that much was all in my head. I still despise her for the memories she brings up in me, even if the rest doesn’t really exist. I can’t stand to even look at her.

But that hatred doesn’t touch her nearly as much as me. I am reminded so much that I hate myself that, given something to do it with, I would hurt myself right then. Usually, I don’t get that bad– but being around her makes me so angry, so wild with hatred…

Have I been lying to myself? Am I really satisfied with who I am? Of course not. I never will be, as long as I have memory.

But I’ve decided. I will move to Lexington. I will move there– and I won’t come back until I am done with college and have a good job. Because I don’t ever want her to have the ability to look at me like that again. In disgust. Like she’s so much damn better than me.

 

I’m sorry for having cursed. Usually I keep a tighter lid on than that… but I just can’t tonight. I’m tired, and I feel like I have a hole in me. I feel like I’m being crushed by that hatred and that misery. And I left the rest of my sandwich at work– so I can’t eat anything else tonight.

I have way too much to get done in too little amount of time. So tomorrow, when I get home from work, I will not be getting on here. I will be busy cleaning. And, I pray to God I don’t have to see her again any time soon. At least until Vlad gets back. When he has time for me, I don’t hurt as much.

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I Don’t Understand!

I think I have food poisoning, or something. This is coming from someone who can dare to eat nearly-raw steak (om nom yum). I woke up too early feeling like I had heartburn– only it was down in my stomach, trying to claw its way up my esophagus with cleats and a pick-axe, mountain-climber style. So in addition to feeling like that, I went to work, and every time I would get into my work, moving quickly, doing things, one of two things would happen. One: I would suddenly see all white for a moment and become light-headed or dizzy, or feel pain in my head or ringing of the ears. Like someone biffed me in the head with a 2-by-4. Two: my stomach would abruptly tell me that I should go sit down, or it would assert authority by rejecting what little was left in my stomach.

So when I was waiting in the bathroom last night, unsure if I would get sick again, I was reading one of my 3 or 4 books on learning Japanese and missed how fun it was to learn the language. I missed the feeling of being a part of something that made me think of a future that right now seems unattainable. On top of that, I realized that I was thirsty for that culture (and water. I needed water, but was afraid to get up). So I read until I felt strong enough to go back to sleep. When I woke up again a few hours later, I sat on the edge of my bed, feet pointed toward the bathroom door, book open on my lap.

So what does this have to do with the price of tea in China (cliche’d phrase, I know)? While I was reading, I suddenly thought “I have 15 days until the next issue of Skip Beat is released in Japanese. It will take a while for anyone to translate it, won’t it?” and then I looked at the stack of books, and my laptop, and thought “I could totally translate the next issue! It would be a great way to learn and feed my obsession. Kill two birds with one stone (cliche’d phrase #2. Somebody stop me), and it could help fellow fans of the manga who don’t have the resources I do!” So I decided right then that when I woke up the 20th of this month, I would find that chapter, and I would make a mad dash at translating. It will likely be the hardest thing I’ve ever done– but it will be extremely rewarding. Especially reading back over it, reading it as it was meant to be read, free of grammatical errors (the one drawback of Internet scanlations: horrendous grammar is more common than big eyes in a manga).

Anyway, having survived work without throwing up, I’m proud of myself, and so I will proceed to lie around in bed until I manage to pass out. I still feel that burn in my stomach, and I worry that it will wake me up. I just hope it isn’t salmonella, or something that will last a while, like the flu. Around here, there has been a stomach virus going around. I don’t know how it could possibly be passed on, especially since I haven’t come into contact with someone with it in any way that would pass it on to me. At least, not that I know of.

(Insert Something Interesting Here)

I have some news, kind of. I was invited to join a group on dA (a metal group ^_^), which is awesome. I don’t know how they came across me, really, but it makes me feel glad that they did. I haven’t posted anything on there in a looong time, other than bios of characters from The Door. With how busy I’ve been lately, I haven’t had the chance to do any artistic things. I haven’t even been able to sing like I used to.

I just realized something. Earlier, when I was asleep, Vlad called me and woke me up and asked me if I had to work Wednesday. I said I wouldn’t know until probably tomorrow. He said to tell him as soon as possible… I just woke up in my mind, just now, typing… and Wednesday is my birthday. Is he planning something?!

Yeah, it takes me a while to wake up, I guess. I have been up for about an hour now… I still need to run to my mom’s house and spend some time with her before I go to that work-meeting. It will be the first time in quite a while that I attend a work-meeting. I’m a bit excited, which I suppose is a bit funny. However, to those of you who don’t understand what a joy it is to have a job, no matter how “lowly” it may seem, the simple fact is that it is a privilege to work. Especially here of late. Sometime next month, the company that my cousin works at will suddenly shut down. The employees don’t even know when their last day will be. I understand how terrifying it is to be without a job, and I know that time goes on, even when we need it to slow down for us.

I guess I’ve been jumping all over the place in this post, but I am truly at a strange place right now. I keep dreaming about that manga, and I think about it right before I go to sleep, and right when I wake up. Do you understand just how weird that is for me? Rarely do even my OWN stories get me this worked up. It’s terrifyingly amazing.

However, in my last post, I said that it was causing me heart pains. That was most likely a coincidence. I called my doctor and he told me that it was probably too much caffeine. Which I guess could be plausible. I drink nothing but water, since it’s the only thing I have in the house. I get to work and immediately drown myself in caffeinated drinks. Usually it doesn’t bother me, seriously, but if that is what it is, it won’t happen anymore. However, if it persists, I guess we could call those instances panic attacks?

Anyway, sorry if I didn’t make sense much throughout this post. After all, I just woke up, and I will probably forget entirely that I wrote this in about thirty minutes. So…

When did I write this?

Ahead of Time

Since I will be starting work Monday, it will be a bit hard to get the Inspirational Song of the Week out that morning, so I will post it late Sunday night. I won’t give any spoilers what it will be, but I will say that, had I heard this song while I was still in school, my time in school would have been much less painful. I recommend this song to anyone who feels like they’re beat down.

In fact, today I’m going to try and get as many of these videos ready, in case I don’t have time next week. And I will restate that anyone who wants me to make a lyrical video, do leave a comment, and I will try to get it in the near future!