I caught a glimpse of my reflection yesterday. Usually, when this happens, I sneer and pretend it didn’t happen, disgusted with what I look like. But yesterday, that brief glimpse made me smile. I actually admitted to myself that I looked beautiful. That doesn’t make me a bad person. That doesn’t make me vain.

And I feel good about it.

I’m not disgusted with myself anymore. I’m becoming what I want to be– and eventually, I want to be proud to be me. I want to love being me. I want to love everything about myself. If it starts with a glance at a reflection in the windshield of a car, I can stand it. I feel confident that I can make this climb. I will change myself– and no longer hate myself.

I’m making progress. I’m climbing.


I’m Still Alive

Sorry if I worried anyone with my inactivity… I’ve just been a bit preoccupied with a busy work schedule and the sheer amount of Christmas celebrations that I attended. Last night, after work, I spent all of the gift-card money I got for Christmas, and still made it home by 1am. It’s nice to have the practical stuff, sometimes. It really is.

In other news, work is going really well. In fact, I took a shift today that I wouldn’t have gotten if I weren’t “so nice.” A girl who works second shift came in and she and her mom practically begged me to take her shift for today. I need the hours pretty badly, so I said yes. They made it clear that she’d cover one of my shifts if I need it– but… well, I need my shifts, for one thing, and also– how do I know she won’t forget to show up? I don’t want to lose my job over that.

Also, a friend that I worked with about a year ago showed up, and was looking for a job. I vouched for him on the spot, as a good friend– but I was really being honest. He’s a good guy, who doesn’t start drama, shows up on time, and doesn’t just stand around. We definitely need more people like that!

I’m also pretty thrilled that my manager complimented me on my work. He pretty much told me not to fret over being slow. He said that I would build up speed over time, and he understood that.

I apologize that this post is boring and unrelated to anything… but it’s an effort to put anything on here at all– because I sliced my fingertip open on a DRINK LID (I don’t even know how), and so it’s pretty hard to touch anything, especially typing. Ugh, you never realize how much you touch stuff until it hurts. And even worse, since it’s on the finger tip, it’s almost impossible to put a bandaid on it. Unless I put a gob of tape over it– keep in mind I’m working with food, and no one wants a band aid touching their food.

Things are starting to look up, though. I mean it this time. More hours, more money, and I feel stable again. It’s miraculous how much of a difference that makes! I know now that I’m going to be okay– and it’s done wonders for my attitude. It’s easier to smile, and much easier to deny those tendrils of depression and doubt that ALWAYS surface when Vlad goes away for a while (he won’t be back until the second week of January).

That about sums it up. When I get home tonight, I’ll probably post something else, or maybe I’ll have a link later leading to something on deviantART, since I started a drawing weeks ago– and have been thinking of working on it. But until then, I need to get ready. I want to go in looking pretty, so then maybe people can ignore the band aid on my finger, or the bruises that keep popping up on my arms (I bruise like a banana; people are gonna think I get into fights)!

What a Day It Was

Yesterday, as some of you might know already, I woke up at 6 am. No particular reason, really. My brain just decided that was a good time to wake up. I Internet-ed until around 11 am and then went to my sister’s house, to stick around with her and her baby until we could leave for our dad’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. We were running a little late, and I was starting to worry, since I had to go to work at 4pm. But everything worked out well. We arrived in time, I got to play with my nieces (all 4 of them) and my nephew (who was too shy to talk to me at first, since I hadn’t seen him since he was tiny, and he probably couldn’t remember me). It was really nice.

Work went smoothly too, because I arrived in an amazing mood. The only kicker (and the reason I didn’t post anything last night, admittedly) is that someone I work with got into an argument over a band I have listened to since early childhood: Godsmack. Now, this kid doesn’t know anything about Godsmack, never heard their music, never seen their music videos, never even heard of them before I casually mentioned them. So he proceeds to tell me that they must be satanic.

Needless to say, I got extremely angry, especially when he wouldn’t shut up about it. He went so far as to get his phone out and try to look it up. I ended up getting angry enough to say the “f-word” about 3 times per sentence. Yes, I was livid. Not so much that Godsmack might possibly have satanic origins, but because this high-school aged, vain twerp who knows NOTHING about them decided that he MUST be right about a band that he’d never even HEARD of. I felt tempted to tell him to listen to his Miley Cyrus and Eminem and shut up. In fact, I should have. It would have been nicer than what I had actually said.

Eh, anyway. When I got home last night, I was still steaming mad over that. So I looked up some online stores that sell Gothic clothes, boots, and accessories. And felt like a kid in a candy shop. Oh, the things I would order if only I were rich. I just hope these things are still in stock/exist in 4 years when I get an awesome job that pays 6 figures a year. That would be awesome, you know.

Anyway, I’m feeling mostly better this morning. Especially since I am going to go to my mom’s and eat yet another holiday meal, with her and my sister. This is my way of telling you that I won’t be able to post on the blog again tonight. Mom still doesn’t know that I even have a blog– that’s because she won’t understand why I am doing this, and she might be utterly against me having it at all. I was actually really surprised that she didn’t object to my moving to Lexington. I was seriously shocked.

Well, I need to get off of here. I have to get dressed and gather up everything I’ll bring (including cornbread mix. Can’t have Thanksgiving without cornbread and white beans– just playing but it’s really good anyway. Welcome to Kentucky) and then drive that short and yet cold distance to her house. Where I will do next to nothing, more than likely, and stuff my face with joy. We might end up playing Let’s Dance on my mom’s Wii, which never sees any action, but I doubt we will after we eat. We’ll probably sit around watching Spongebob or Despicable Me (Mom has tons of Spongebob DVDs, and just lately acquired the Despicable Me movies).

Everyone have another Happy Thanksgiving– in case there’s anyone out there still celebrating it today! (Surely I can’t be the only one, right?)

Must Sleep

I don’t understand this, but lately I have been getting more sleep than ever, and eating more than ever. Perhaps it is the promise of large meals that is keeping my stomach noisy, but in any case, it is becoming annoying… Anyway, I’m going to go to sleep, and when I wake up, I will have to do a laundry list of things… Tomorrow will be my actual Thanksgiving day, and then I will most likely have a second one on Saturday. In other words, by time Monday rolls around, I will have consumed enough turkey to last until next year. Best thing about Thanksgiving: leftovers.