Ah, A Reprive

Well, I think I’ll be able to get the hang of this soon enough. I am in the middle of a three-day weekend of sorts. I even turned my phone off (which may not have been a good idea, but I had the feeling that I would just continue to be stressed out if I was glancing at the phone every two minutes) I have not gamed in a while, although I do have Minecraft on my computer now. I worked really hard to make a cool looking house– and then moved on to another area. I can’t find any sheep though. I found enough to make one bed– but I’m afraid if I kill any more of them, I’ll be doomed.

Also, work on Zetty’s story has come to a grinding halt. So much of a halt that I haven’t even dreamt about things for her story in over a week. On the other hand, Overfide, my newest outlet of insanity, has been taking massive leaps in production. For anyone who missed the post on that, Overfide is something that hit me like a lead brick. To the face. Multiple times. With the force of a train.

Thanks to Overfide, I have once again tapped into that gory place in my brain that I haven’t been able to write from in ages. Let me give you an example of what I mean. A few weeks ago, I was really sleep-deprived and typing a memo to myself. Basically, trying to start a conversation with myself. Did I mention I was tired? Anyway, so I was typing, and suddenly:

“i just…. i havent’ had any fodder for writing, other than the story that has been dragging me by the hair. first Zetty’s story, then that flirtatious vampire story, and now this. This monster/masterpiece that attacked me. A story devoted to fear itself. Something everyone can relate to… although perhaps the story is more painful than i can let on. It is making me dredge things from the drain that is covered in dried blood. i’m clawing at it, trying to get it open. fingernails broken. fingertips busted. biting my tongue to keep from screaming with pain and or frustration….
my brain has been in this dark, dark place for a while. and i don’t know why. it is strange, and kind of enthralling….”

The next day, I recalled that I had typed something, and had no memory of what it was I had actually concocted. Upon reading it, I just sat there, feeling along the walls of my mind for that door that had been closed for so long. It is still open. I can finally write the way I once did.

There was a time when, when I wrote, I would stare into the screen, my fingers blurring over the keyboard, for up to 4 hours. And then, upon stopping, I would marvel at what I had produced, because, at that “delicate” age for me, this dark, terrible, tragic stuff that I was writing (about murder and the like, to be general) was coming out of nowhere, as if I were not the one truly writing it. Sometimes it’s still like that.

Oh, and some good news that is in no way related to what I just wrote: I should be able to get out of debt relatively quickly, if I could just find my landlord. She still leaves notes on my door, but I can’t find her, and when I call her, it goes straight to voicemail. This is worrisome, but I am confident that it will work out.

And an afterword: if anyone is interested in that “flirtatious vampire story” I mentioned in my night-time rant, tell me in the comments!

 

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Oh, Boy…

Well, I made it through the night– and now I’ll have to make it through the day, too. Vlad is coming over, and it is going to be hard to stay awake. However, it is a necessary thing, because it will put me on a good schedule again… I have to go to my dad’s house tomorrow morning to get my oil changed. I’ve been running the car pretty hard, even knowing that it needed an oil change.

I believe I am insane when it comes to my cars. I name them. Just like my knives, I just have to name them. I have dual daggers named Kono and Hana (anyone who knows Japanese will tell you that they respectively mean “that” and “flower”, however, together, “konohana” is the name of an important figure in Shinto belief, if I am not mistaken. Others might recognize it as the woodsprite from Okami). My pocket-knife’s name is Shiko (as in Death-child). And I have an ornamental katana named Kekkon (which could either translate to bloodstain or marriage. The scabbard and hilt have red speckles on them, like blood, hence the name. But the potential double meaning of the word prompted me to write a story when I got it well over a year ago).

As for cars, my first one I named Senri, which basically means “one thousand units of travel” which was ironic, because I only had him for a week before he was rendered undrivable by means out of my control. No, I didn’t wreck him. He wrecked himself. He was not much younger than me. Next was Kyou, which at the time I mistakenly thought meant “strength” but learned that it meant “today”. Woops. After I crashed Kyou, I eventually ended up with my current car. I waffled back and forth over what to name her, and eventually decided on “Ashita” which means “tomorrow”. See what I did there?

But yes. This had absolutely no relevance whatsoever to anything. It is just an amusing story about how I name just about everything that I love. (In fact, my guitar was named after a character I never got to add into a story. Zucotzo. It doesn’t mean anything. I just liked how it sounded, but never got to use it because I scrapped his story. I also have a hand-blown glass dagger that’s handle is a purple dragon with gilded horns. I named him Spyro, of course!) This post is mainly to keep me awake until Vlad gets here. What we will do today, I don’t know. Probably game, watch funny videos, and go out to eat… so I should be kept awake fairly easy, as long as I’m entertained. Wish me luck!

Well, Isn’t that Sweet?

Hello again, denizens of the webiverse! I am back again, and have some good(?) news for you all.

I am officially working two jobs now. Yup. Official and all that jazz. i start on thirds Thursday evening. I am excited to pull this off. So excited, in fact, that I’m typing too fast and making lots of typos. I swear, for every letter I type, I hit the backspace button at least once.

In other news……

Wait. That’s all?!

Eh, it seemed like more.

I’ve been playing Okami a lot. It cheers me up when I’m sad. You know, with the amazing soundtrack, stellar story… Anyway.

Now that I have both jobs, and one of them will be producing a sizable amount of moolah, even if the other one offers only scant hours, I should be able to pay off my debt quickly, if not easily. All without getting a loan.

Vlad and my anniversary is coming up. It is the 25th, and we will have been together for 4 years! I’m hoping that I can find something for him that won’t throw me too off with my bills. But what do you buy an adult child who has everything he wants (and the only things i know he likes are waaaaay out of my budget)?!

But, you know, life is going on. I’ve had my ups and downs lately, depression-wise. It’s kind of steady. I just wonder how that will be when Vlad moves to Lexington without me. I haven’t told you guys yet, I bet, but I am not going after all. It’s too much of a risk, and… well… Vlad basically said he’d rather me stay here. I have more here if I need help. So even though I don’t want to be that far away, I guess it’s just something we’ll have to do.

And I haven’t given up on doing let’s plays, either. I don’t have the software or hardware for it yet, but once I save up enough for it, I won’t waste time.

If you have any questions about the new project, or anything else, feel free to ask. When I am conscious again, I will answer!

Wish me luck. I have to stay up all night tonight and half of the day tomorrow to effectively screw up my sleeping patterns again. Third~shifts~!

I’m Baaaaaaack (with an all-new and extremely awesome project)

I really have no excuse for that long absence. Seriously, I don’t– and I’m sorry. However, I have done lots of stuff since the last time I posted. I had his a block in my life in most manners. I had no money, no food, and my creativity was starting to dwindle due to the fear and depression. My hours got cut at my job because we weren’t getting much business, but I understand that. I’m just glad I still have a job.

However, I won’t be getting anywhere with my debt unless I start making more money, so…. I applied for a third-shift job at walmart. They called me back before I could call them. I went through the interview, took the drug test, and Friday, I will go to orientation. After that, the real war will begin. Once I get the hang of working there (and sleeping only when I get the chance– my life will seem similar to the song Caffeine by Psychostick), I expect my hours at Subway will increase back to normal.

I’m enjoying sleep while I can, knowing that I won’t have time to after this week. Of course, I am also saying this because I want to keep blogging as well– perhaps before I pass out each morning/evening.

If I can just pull this off, I will be able to get out of debt within a few months, of this I am confident, and then I’ll be able to start saving up. I’ll be able to buy myself things, and perhaps I can buy my own house, away from noise. In the future, I guess I could always just rent it out if I move, or sell it when I decide to move far away. But I’d like to own something, you know?

Eh, as you can see, my ambitions have increased. My funds, hopefully, will too. I’ll be able to afford to study programming, and I’ll start trying again to learn Japanese, now that I have a friend who wants to learn it with me– and that brings me to my next topic.

You may have noticed that when I start writing a story, I stop working on it soon after having started. That happens a lot for me. I have been writing since 3rd grade, and have started at least 25 stories– and never finished a one. Sure, I’ve completed 2 written manuscripts, and another story is entirely typed except for ONE MAJOR EVENT, but, well… I think I am afraid of success, or something. I’m afraid of what comes after, and I’m terrified that, since I can’t afford to publish them, one of the “free publishing companies” will rip me off. I’m just… terrified of losing my stories to someone else. That’s another reason why I don’t share them.

But after I stopped writing Zetty’s story (which you can find entombed at http://zettytrat.tumblr.com/) I began working on a vampire story (that is sparkle-free, btw) and then, once that left my head— BOOM! Headshot. Something snuck into my brain and took me apart from the inside out. It was so amazing that I sat and wrote out a glossary, and then character profiles, and then looked up tons and tons of Tribal Tattoos and other Tribal markings. I was obsessed with this idea. In love with it.

And then I let two of my friends in on it. One says, Awesome! Can’t wait to read it. The other says, This would make an awesome TRPG, or video game. (TRPG is a table top roleplaying game, for those of you unfamiliar with them) This friend is who got me into TRPGs, namely with Tenra Bansho Zero. His idea of my new story becoming an in-depth TRPG stunned me– and then I started thinking how awesome it would be. So now he an I are working on the system, using such amazing role models for TRPGs such as Tenra Bansho Zero, Call of Cthulhu, and of course D&D. We’ve come up with many unique ideas, and we have a lot of ground to cover. A lot.

Updates on the new story will be on another blog, http://fideandfear.wordpress.com/, where this aforementioned friend is an administrator as well, so if I am working too much and can’t update, he can. So, yeah. Once we get some things figured out, and COPYRIGHTED, I’ll start posting story notes, and perhaps the glossary, and maybe some other things to that blog. Keep an ear to the ground, because once we get everything fleshed out, we are going to use Kickstarter to fund our project. We will definitely have rewards for donors, including a copy of the novel, once I finish it (and I can’t stop working on it. He’s keeping me on target), and other bonuses. This is going to be incredibly fun, if a lot of work. Please support us in this, and give us some feedback! And, of course, leave comments on this blog and that one asking any questions you may have. And, finally, one last thing, when I learn programming and such, I do indeed intend to make this an actual game. Perhaps a PC game that will extend to consoles if it is a success. I, myself, am leaning more toward the PS4, but that’s just me.

So for now, I leave you with the encouragement to follow this project, and tell me what you think! Don’t worry, Zetty’s story isn’t dead, I’m just stepping away from it for now.

I am also not giving up on my gaming channel. Once I get out of debt, I’m buying the hardware and software I need to do that. First thing, I promise.

Feeling Better Now

I’ve been busier at work. Like, much busier. When I get home, I’m exhausted, mentally. I don’t work fast enough (something’s always wrong, you know? I hate that, but it seems like a pattern here.) so I get pushed a lot by the people I work with. Not physically (most of the time, heh) but still…

But oh well. I’m learning. I can learn fast, but to do the task fast, I have to take my time. And then there are times when I suddenly kick into overdrive (like when I’m angry, or when I’m afraid. In that situation, I could run the entire station by myself for quite a while.) and I bump into people a lot.

I pulled a 10-hour shift today, and can’t fall asleep yet. Mind won’t let me, even though I got very little sleep last night… Come to think of it, I have a sandwich in my car that I forgot to bring in to eat. Never got a bite of it! I had fun at work, though, for the most part–

My thoughts are bouncing around a bit too chaotically. That’s why this seems too jumpy and spastic. I should get off of here before I start typing random stupid stuff. Plus, I have to wake up even earlier tomorrow…

I will try to update tomorrow, but will have company, so if I don’t, don’t worry. I’m not dead. Who knows? Perhaps I’ll stream something. Never know. Might be fun.

A Fresh Idea

Hello, again everyone! I hope this post finds you all in good health– and that you are ready for me to spout nonsense. Just kidding. Maybe next time.

What I am wanting to share with you on this fine night is an idea that I’ve toyed with since I started this blog–perhaps even before. I want to post playthroughs of old video games (like ps2 games, since that’s the only console I have…) and now is the best opportunity to, since I will have to start fresh. All 4 of my memory cards were wiped absolutely clean. I almost cried. A lot of that data had been on there since I was in 3rd grade… which is (hold on I’m counting…) 10 years, if I’m not mistaken. All of those stored memories, crushed! But, oh well. It can all be replayed and recorded– and then posted on youtube.

So you may ask, how will my videos be any different from other playthrough videos? My answer is I WON’T BE TALKING DURING IT!!! Nothing annoys me more, honestly, than watching someone play through a game that I’m watching on youtube because I no longer own it and thus cannot play myself that the person who is playing yammering on and on. Okay, it’s not that bad, but wouldn’t it be a breath of fresh air to enjoy the soundtrack?!

My inspiration was a guy on youtube called Cardrivesu, I think (may edit in future if I’m wrong). He did playthroughs of Abe’s Oddysee and Abe’s Exodus, one of which I never finished, and the other I’d never played but had wanted to. He doesn’t speak during it, he plays through the game, and lets the character and the game speak for him. That is what I would like to do.

As for what games I will do, I will post a list, and any votes on what should come first would be nice. If anyone cares, that is. Otherwise, I’ll just play whatever I get a craving for.

Now, the big topic: What is holding me back!

As you guys might already know, I was out of a job for well over a month and have accrued about 2000 dollars of debt to pay off. Now, the things I need can be purchased over the Internet, apparently, and are dirt cheap, but… Even 5 bucks is too much to spare. So, I might have to wait until next year, when my debt is paid in full. That pains me, really, but I don’t think I have a choice, do I? After all, I will be getting a second job between Christmas and New Year’s (hopefully!) and thus won’t have any time to game.

But in any case, that is what I intend to do in the future, perhaps when I run out of videos to sub and translate, and stuff like that. And you guys knew I game– I used to post things all the time about it (mostly about ffx and ffx-2). So I will be working on that, as well. And who knows… my birthday is this month, and Christmas is around the corner too… perhaps someone I know will help me out? (Ehh… I won’t hold my breath. lol)

As for games I need but don’t have, there are 3 that I need. One is a game I’ve never played, but have the other installments, and feel a bit weird having not played the first yet (Jack and Daxter). And the other two are for the original playstation. I pride myself in having all of the (good) Spyro games. Don’t you dare try to make me play Skylanders– I want no part in it. The games that I need are the original Spyro the Dragon, and Spyro: Year of the Dragon (the third game). Both of these games I had played as a child. They were borrowed, and I had to give them back way before I could finish them. So I have this burning desire to play them through and enjoy them thoroughly. Is that so wrong?!

Around here, it is tough to find these games. I don’t live somewhere where the games just appear, and as I’ve stated, I can’t just buy them over the Internet (need money for that. If I found something here, I could possibly trade for them…) so I’m stuck Spyro-less. I have all of the others. I have the second game (Ripto’s Rage/Gateway to Glimmer), the fourth game (Enter the Dragonfly, even though my copy is slightly glitchy), the fifth (A Hero’s Tail), and the latest installments, The Legend of Spyro (I have all three). As you may be able to tell, I like Spyro a lot… and so it is kind of a bummer that I don’t have my favorite two games in the series.

As for other games I intend to (re)play… In the next post, I will list them. I think that’s enough for now.

Why I Haven’t Been Posting Much

I am easily distracted, I will admit that. The list of things I want to do are ever growing, and yet time and family and friends and sleeping limit what I actually can do. There was a time when I was posting multiple things a day on here, and checking two or three times to make sure everything was properly spelt and capitalized. It seems I just rushed it, so that way whoever is reading would have the illusion that I was here. But I haven’t been “here” in a while. My mind wanders here, but I seem to lose my ideas as soon as the page loads.

I started about a dozen posts, and then scrapped them because I completely forgot what I was going to write about. I do this every day when talking to people, so I’m used to it in that context, however my computer, my keyboard… That is my safe place. My ideas flow easily from my fingertips to the keys, and since I can keep up with my mind when I type (can’t say the same for writing by hand– carpal tunnel to prove it) I am not used to having the problem of uninspired, generic posts. I mean, if I got on Facebook (God forbid), a couple of these posts seem like a common post you’d find on there.

That is unacceptable.

So, perhaps the reason I’ve halted on so many of those potential posts was because, if I were reading that post, I would not even care. That is the definition of Facebook: People you like say things that usually make you wonder why you like them– or is it just me?

At least I won’t sink so low that I start making posts about the food I’m eating, although I admit groaning about how there’s no food in the house is a bit worse.

In conclusion… I am apologizing for my neglect of My Only Reality. When I get home from work, I need to start working on next week’s Inspiring Video, so that way I don’t end up almost a week late again. I need to get back in the game, not forcefully, but not halfheartedly, either.

I will be thinking while I’m at work. If anyone has any suggestions for me, whether it be a question, or encouragement, or even a request for the next Inspiring Video, please don’t hesitate! I love hearing from people, and I love knowing that people still read these long-winded posts (Readers Unite)!