I’m Somewhere Between Annoyance and Fear

Vlad is outside. He’s been outside for roughly thirty minutes now. He’s banging on my door, on my window– with a cane. The noise is grating, and my head is protesting. If Brahm’s daughter were here right now, I would have run him off somehow so she wouldn’t be afraid… but she’s not here, and I know he wants to talk to me. Brahm told him that this is harassment, and that we can call the cops on him…. but my phone broke weeks ago, and his phone is out of minutes. We’re trapped here, and he just keeps insistently rapping that damn cane against my window. He says he doesn’t have anywhere to be for three more hours.

I don’t understand why he doesn’t quit, why he doesn’t leave. I am afraid to talk to him. I’ve been having nightmares about him for over a week.

I rather hope he’s knocking with the cane, with how hard and loudly he’s knocking. At one point, I feared the window would break behind my head while I was still in bed.

This is much worse than those zombie dreams I used to have. Perhaps because they, at least, are not waking reality. Will he really leave at six o’clock?



I think I might have access again. Might not be permanent… but use it while you got it, eh?

Have not made any headway on the stuff. Got something kind of special planned… Might take a while.

I have become addicted to Skyrim. God help me.

Oh Noes

Well, I really had the best intentions of keeping the blog up, but my Internet seems to be gone for the time being. Unless I go to my mom’s or somewhere with free wi-fi, I won’t be able to post anything. Despite this, I will try to keep you posted.

Still intending to do playthroughs, too. but might be on hold until I get steady access.

Still open to suggestions, game-wise. One that I might consider is Lords of Shadow one and two. Saw Brahm playing it and it looked like fun. Also, I have an SNES emulator that has stored in it every SNES game, apparently. SWEET NOSTALGIA!

Anyway, next time I have access, I will update, and hopefully have a video or four to post. I will try to take record of all the games so everyone can see the wealth of options. Gotta go!

Keeping My Head Up

Well, yesterday went great. Everyone there is really nice, almost like a family. It was comfortable enough that I didn’t feel it was necessary to hide that I’m goth. I wonder how I will be able to work both jobs and still get enough sleep to function properly, but I will find a way. I have made so many plans.

Thanks to a new friend with a love for Japanese culture and language, I found a website called Jbox. They sell all these different kinds of things– and it’s all really cheap! So when I finally can afford to buy things for myself, I’m going to buy things so that I can make my own bento box lunches.

I have to go now– need to get to work!

I’m Baaaaaaack (with an all-new and extremely awesome project)

I really have no excuse for that long absence. Seriously, I don’t– and I’m sorry. However, I have done lots of stuff since the last time I posted. I had his a block in my life in most manners. I had no money, no food, and my creativity was starting to dwindle due to the fear and depression. My hours got cut at my job because we weren’t getting much business, but I understand that. I’m just glad I still have a job.

However, I won’t be getting anywhere with my debt unless I start making more money, so…. I applied for a third-shift job at walmart. They called me back before I could call them. I went through the interview, took the drug test, and Friday, I will go to orientation. After that, the real war will begin. Once I get the hang of working there (and sleeping only when I get the chance– my life will seem similar to the song Caffeine by Psychostick), I expect my hours at Subway will increase back to normal.

I’m enjoying sleep while I can, knowing that I won’t have time to after this week. Of course, I am also saying this because I want to keep blogging as well– perhaps before I pass out each morning/evening.

If I can just pull this off, I will be able to get out of debt within a few months, of this I am confident, and then I’ll be able to start saving up. I’ll be able to buy myself things, and perhaps I can buy my own house, away from noise. In the future, I guess I could always just rent it out if I move, or sell it when I decide to move far away. But I’d like to own something, you know?

Eh, as you can see, my ambitions have increased. My funds, hopefully, will too. I’ll be able to afford to study programming, and I’ll start trying again to learn Japanese, now that I have a friend who wants to learn it with me– and that brings me to my next topic.

You may have noticed that when I start writing a story, I stop working on it soon after having started. That happens a lot for me. I have been writing since 3rd grade, and have started at least 25 stories– and never finished a one. Sure, I’ve completed 2 written manuscripts, and another story is entirely typed except for ONE MAJOR EVENT, but, well… I think I am afraid of success, or something. I’m afraid of what comes after, and I’m terrified that, since I can’t afford to publish them, one of the “free publishing companies” will rip me off. I’m just… terrified of losing my stories to someone else. That’s another reason why I don’t share them.

But after I stopped writing Zetty’s story (which you can find entombed at http://zettytrat.tumblr.com/) I began working on a vampire story (that is sparkle-free, btw) and then, once that left my head— BOOM! Headshot. Something snuck into my brain and took me apart from the inside out. It was so amazing that I sat and wrote out a glossary, and then character profiles, and then looked up tons and tons of Tribal Tattoos and other Tribal markings. I was obsessed with this idea. In love with it.

And then I let two of my friends in on it. One says, Awesome! Can’t wait to read it. The other says, This would make an awesome TRPG, or video game. (TRPG is a table top roleplaying game, for those of you unfamiliar with them) This friend is who got me into TRPGs, namely with Tenra Bansho Zero. His idea of my new story becoming an in-depth TRPG stunned me– and then I started thinking how awesome it would be. So now he an I are working on the system, using such amazing role models for TRPGs such as Tenra Bansho Zero, Call of Cthulhu, and of course D&D. We’ve come up with many unique ideas, and we have a lot of ground to cover. A lot.

Updates on the new story will be on another blog, http://fideandfear.wordpress.com/, where this aforementioned friend is an administrator as well, so if I am working too much and can’t update, he can. So, yeah. Once we get some things figured out, and COPYRIGHTED, I’ll start posting story notes, and perhaps the glossary, and maybe some other things to that blog. Keep an ear to the ground, because once we get everything fleshed out, we are going to use Kickstarter to fund our project. We will definitely have rewards for donors, including a copy of the novel, once I finish it (and I can’t stop working on it. He’s keeping me on target), and other bonuses. This is going to be incredibly fun, if a lot of work. Please support us in this, and give us some feedback! And, of course, leave comments on this blog and that one asking any questions you may have. And, finally, one last thing, when I learn programming and such, I do indeed intend to make this an actual game. Perhaps a PC game that will extend to consoles if it is a success. I, myself, am leaning more toward the PS4, but that’s just me.

So for now, I leave you with the encouragement to follow this project, and tell me what you think! Don’t worry, Zetty’s story isn’t dead, I’m just stepping away from it for now.

I am also not giving up on my gaming channel. Once I get out of debt, I’m buying the hardware and software I need to do that. First thing, I promise.

Art/Writer’s Block

I feel the inspiration there, and I am drawing on it, but nothing seems to come out right. It’s confusing, terrible, and driving me slightly more insane than I already believe I am.

Other than that, I am okay (based solely on the fact that I’m alive and I have people who love me). I have not had any depression-attacks (just a few anxiety attacks, but you can’t have it all, right?) and I’ve been setting more of these “goal” things. I’ve already decided that the first things I buy when I finally buy the Goth merch. will be:

1) A messenger bag (hopefully with a motif on it, or chains, or something cool). empire intrepid valise dark star red gothic pvc coffin cross messenger bag black_skull_studded_convertible_shoulder_messenger_bag_purses_and_handbags_5 gothic_brocade_cross_messenger_bag_roseanne_jones_messenger_bags_2

2) good quality makeup (I bought 3 tubes of black lipstick when I last encountered a Hot Topic, and ALL THREE are messed up. Plus, I have no powder, nor eyeshadow that is not glittery nor blue). frost_grande jet_grande red_mascara dead_essentials_gothic_coffin_makeup_kit_large_cosmetics_and_make_up_2 bat-black-lipstick

3) these awesome patches from rebel’s market (so i can put them on pants that need a little more punch, or maybe that messenger bag I was talking about).dont_steal_the_government_hates_competition_patch_patches_2 dont_take_life_so_seriously_it_isnt_permanent_patch_patches_2 fear_no_evil_iron_patch_patches_2 flying_skull_gothic_cross_6_embroidered_patch_patches_2 grim_reaper_red_patch_16cm_x_13_5cm_patches_2 if_all_else_fails_lower_your_standards_patch_patches_2

(by the way, I do not own any of these images, nor the goods portrayed upon them. But tell me they’re not awesome!)

Suggested sites (these are some of my personal favorites) if you’re interested: Rebel’s Market
Alchemy Gothic
Mystic Crypt
Tragic Beautiful