Life-Altering Changes

A great deal has happened. In fact, enough has changed that it left my family shocked– and even me.

I left Vlad recently. I feel that, even though I am grateful to him for helping me through these years, I appreciated him more as a friend than as a lover. It was the first time I’d ever broken up with someone, and it was… painful for both of us. I decided that I would rather leave him now than wait 3 to 7 years from now when we’re at the altar. I thought that it would hurt him less now than then.

There is no sugar-coat to the words I’m about to say: I found someone else, and that was the catalyst to my leaving Vlad. I know that sounds bad, but I like to pride myself on my honesty. I’m sure there are a lot of things that should be said, but I think it proper that I not speak that freely about the tender feelings of the wounded. I still love Vlad as a friend, and I would never slander him on my blog– I have no cause to. Anyone who has read my other posts know what an impact he had on me, and how much he helped me become who I am today.

In other news… I will start doing online videos very soon. I need to figure out my new equipment, as well as what I can do. I will have time in the future to start working on stories again, and I will start looking into publications– so that way I can upload a few of my short stories for your enjoyment.

And finally, I would like to say that I am in a great deal of pain. I know that seems slightly random or whiny… I don’t mean for it to be that way. I am putting this down for reference. I have been in excruciating pain for roughly three weeks now. It is difficult to walk and nearly impossible to sleep. The pain is deep in my right hip’s joint. Every step I take puts pressure not only on something that feels dislocated, but also applies strain to my other hip, which causes sharp pain throughout my pelvis. When at rest, no matter what position, sitting, laying, or standing, the pain in my right hip is so great that it feels like someone harpooned me through said joint, and the pain goes down to my knee, and sometimes even to the ankle in liquid spurts of agony.

Usually, when this happens, it only lasts a couple of weeks and then goes away almost as swiftly as it arrives, but this time it not only persists but has gotten worse than it ever had before. Heat, ice, rest– none of these do any good whatsoever. So please, keep me in your prayers, if you don’t mind.

But like I said earlier, I am not griping. Mostly, I am just stating why I am limited to my house for now. I missed a lot of work over this hip.

Anyway, I’ll keep you all posted on my youtubing. Just keep an eye out. I am back now– and I won’t disappear again. In fact, I will even start drawing again in the near future– I am getting a new item in the mail in a few days, hopefully, that will allow me the ability to draw via paint shop pro 8– I really hope it will be compatible. The only thing I’ll need then is a nice stylus– and then I’ll be set. I will then start on all the things I’ve been meaning to begin. Concept art, and all that jazz.

I’ve been getting into more games lately– and I see an end to my debt! Everything will go fine, within the next month or so. I might even have a PS3, and eventually, a PS4. Anyhow, I’ll have plenty to talk to you guys about in my next post. Any questions not involving the breakup will be answered. Drop me a line!

Oh, Boy…

Well, I made it through the night– and now I’ll have to make it through the day, too. Vlad is coming over, and it is going to be hard to stay awake. However, it is a necessary thing, because it will put me on a good schedule again… I have to go to my dad’s house tomorrow morning to get my oil changed. I’ve been running the car pretty hard, even knowing that it needed an oil change.

I believe I am insane when it comes to my cars. I name them. Just like my knives, I just have to name them. I have dual daggers named Kono and Hana (anyone who knows Japanese will tell you that they respectively mean “that” and “flower”, however, together, “konohana” is the name of an important figure in Shinto belief, if I am not mistaken. Others might recognize it as the woodsprite from Okami). My pocket-knife’s name is Shiko (as in Death-child). And I have an ornamental katana named Kekkon (which could either translate to bloodstain or marriage. The scabbard and hilt have red speckles on them, like blood, hence the name. But the potential double meaning of the word prompted me to write a story when I got it well over a year ago).

As for cars, my first one I named Senri, which basically means “one thousand units of travel” which was ironic, because I only had him for a week before he was rendered undrivable by means out of my control. No, I didn’t wreck him. He wrecked himself. He was not much younger than me. Next was Kyou, which at the time I mistakenly thought meant “strength” but learned that it meant “today”. Woops. After I crashed Kyou, I eventually ended up with my current car. I waffled back and forth over what to name her, and eventually decided on “Ashita” which means “tomorrow”. See what I did there?

But yes. This had absolutely no relevance whatsoever to anything. It is just an amusing story about how I name just about everything that I love. (In fact, my guitar was named after a character I never got to add into a story. Zucotzo. It doesn’t mean anything. I just liked how it sounded, but never got to use it because I scrapped his story. I also have a hand-blown glass dagger that’s handle is a purple dragon with gilded horns. I named him Spyro, of course!) This post is mainly to keep me awake until Vlad gets here. What we will do today, I don’t know. Probably game, watch funny videos, and go out to eat… so I should be kept awake fairly easy, as long as I’m entertained. Wish me luck!

Well, Isn’t that Sweet?

Hello again, denizens of the webiverse! I am back again, and have some good(?) news for you all.

I am officially working two jobs now. Yup. Official and all that jazz. i start on thirds Thursday evening. I am excited to pull this off. So excited, in fact, that I’m typing too fast and making lots of typos. I swear, for every letter I type, I hit the backspace button at least once.

In other news……

Wait. That’s all?!

Eh, it seemed like more.

I’ve been playing Okami a lot. It cheers me up when I’m sad. You know, with the amazing soundtrack, stellar story… Anyway.

Now that I have both jobs, and one of them will be producing a sizable amount of moolah, even if the other one offers only scant hours, I should be able to pay off my debt quickly, if not easily. All without getting a loan.

Vlad and my anniversary is coming up. It is the 25th, and we will have been together for 4 years! I’m hoping that I can find something for him that won’t throw me too off with my bills. But what do you buy an adult child who has everything he wants (and the only things i know he likes are waaaaay out of my budget)?!

But, you know, life is going on. I’ve had my ups and downs lately, depression-wise. It’s kind of steady. I just wonder how that will be when Vlad moves to Lexington without me. I haven’t told you guys yet, I bet, but I am not going after all. It’s too much of a risk, and… well… Vlad basically said he’d rather me stay here. I have more here if I need help. So even though I don’t want to be that far away, I guess it’s just something we’ll have to do.

And I haven’t given up on doing let’s plays, either. I don’t have the software or hardware for it yet, but once I save up enough for it, I won’t waste time.

If you have any questions about the new project, or anything else, feel free to ask. When I am conscious again, I will answer!

Wish me luck. I have to stay up all night tonight and half of the day tomorrow to effectively screw up my sleeping patterns again. Third~shifts~!

I’m Baaaaaaack (with an all-new and extremely awesome project)

I really have no excuse for that long absence. Seriously, I don’t– and I’m sorry. However, I have done lots of stuff since the last time I posted. I had his a block in my life in most manners. I had no money, no food, and my creativity was starting to dwindle due to the fear and depression. My hours got cut at my job because we weren’t getting much business, but I understand that. I’m just glad I still have a job.

However, I won’t be getting anywhere with my debt unless I start making more money, so…. I applied for a third-shift job at walmart. They called me back before I could call them. I went through the interview, took the drug test, and Friday, I will go to orientation. After that, the real war will begin. Once I get the hang of working there (and sleeping only when I get the chance– my life will seem similar to the song Caffeine by Psychostick), I expect my hours at Subway will increase back to normal.

I’m enjoying sleep while I can, knowing that I won’t have time to after this week. Of course, I am also saying this because I want to keep blogging as well– perhaps before I pass out each morning/evening.

If I can just pull this off, I will be able to get out of debt within a few months, of this I am confident, and then I’ll be able to start saving up. I’ll be able to buy myself things, and perhaps I can buy my own house, away from noise. In the future, I guess I could always just rent it out if I move, or sell it when I decide to move far away. But I’d like to own something, you know?

Eh, as you can see, my ambitions have increased. My funds, hopefully, will too. I’ll be able to afford to study programming, and I’ll start trying again to learn Japanese, now that I have a friend who wants to learn it with me– and that brings me to my next topic.

You may have noticed that when I start writing a story, I stop working on it soon after having started. That happens a lot for me. I have been writing since 3rd grade, and have started at least 25 stories– and never finished a one. Sure, I’ve completed 2 written manuscripts, and another story is entirely typed except for ONE MAJOR EVENT, but, well… I think I am afraid of success, or something. I’m afraid of what comes after, and I’m terrified that, since I can’t afford to publish them, one of the “free publishing companies” will rip me off. I’m just… terrified of losing my stories to someone else. That’s another reason why I don’t share them.

But after I stopped writing Zetty’s story (which you can find entombed at I began working on a vampire story (that is sparkle-free, btw) and then, once that left my head— BOOM! Headshot. Something snuck into my brain and took me apart from the inside out. It was so amazing that I sat and wrote out a glossary, and then character profiles, and then looked up tons and tons of Tribal Tattoos and other Tribal markings. I was obsessed with this idea. In love with it.

And then I let two of my friends in on it. One says, Awesome! Can’t wait to read it. The other says, This would make an awesome TRPG, or video game. (TRPG is a table top roleplaying game, for those of you unfamiliar with them) This friend is who got me into TRPGs, namely with Tenra Bansho Zero. His idea of my new story becoming an in-depth TRPG stunned me– and then I started thinking how awesome it would be. So now he an I are working on the system, using such amazing role models for TRPGs such as Tenra Bansho Zero, Call of Cthulhu, and of course D&D. We’ve come up with many unique ideas, and we have a lot of ground to cover. A lot.

Updates on the new story will be on another blog,, where this aforementioned friend is an administrator as well, so if I am working too much and can’t update, he can. So, yeah. Once we get some things figured out, and COPYRIGHTED, I’ll start posting story notes, and perhaps the glossary, and maybe some other things to that blog. Keep an ear to the ground, because once we get everything fleshed out, we are going to use Kickstarter to fund our project. We will definitely have rewards for donors, including a copy of the novel, once I finish it (and I can’t stop working on it. He’s keeping me on target), and other bonuses. This is going to be incredibly fun, if a lot of work. Please support us in this, and give us some feedback! And, of course, leave comments on this blog and that one asking any questions you may have. And, finally, one last thing, when I learn programming and such, I do indeed intend to make this an actual game. Perhaps a PC game that will extend to consoles if it is a success. I, myself, am leaning more toward the PS4, but that’s just me.

So for now, I leave you with the encouragement to follow this project, and tell me what you think! Don’t worry, Zetty’s story isn’t dead, I’m just stepping away from it for now.

I am also not giving up on my gaming channel. Once I get out of debt, I’m buying the hardware and software I need to do that. First thing, I promise.


I caught a glimpse of my reflection yesterday. Usually, when this happens, I sneer and pretend it didn’t happen, disgusted with what I look like. But yesterday, that brief glimpse made me smile. I actually admitted to myself that I looked beautiful. That doesn’t make me a bad person. That doesn’t make me vain.

And I feel good about it.

I’m not disgusted with myself anymore. I’m becoming what I want to be– and eventually, I want to be proud to be me. I want to love being me. I want to love everything about myself. If it starts with a glance at a reflection in the windshield of a car, I can stand it. I feel confident that I can make this climb. I will change myself– and no longer hate myself.

I’m making progress. I’m climbing.

So… So Hopeful

I applied for a loan today. If I get it, everything will be okay.

If I don’t… Well… not everything will be okay.

There will be much to put on hold if this doesn’t work out. In the end, though, I’ll get through it simply by taking one day at a time. When you live consumed with depression, that’s the way you learn to get through times like this. I’ve found that I can get through just fine– just from taking the days as they come, and not stressing overmuch about tomorrow to next week. Stress, for me, is a huge problem– so that’s how I avoid it.

Depression usually comes from looking at my past, and from doubting my future. If I can only get past that, I think I won’t have need to say I have depression anymore.

Mt. Doubt

I’m going to stay busy. As busy as possible. I don’t want to have a social life, anymore. I will be spending much more time working, and I will try to apply for funding to go to college. I can’t stay at this point in my life forever. Sure, I’ll still talk to friends, hang out, perhaps… but not nearly as much as has been. If I don’t watch out, I’ll be in the same situation I was in about a year ago– hating myself for not having taken any step out of the shadow of the mountain I’ve built in front of me.

All my life, I have been afraid to try– afraid to succeed, even. I don’t understand it. I built a wall between me and my goals, and it became a mountain– and my most insufferable foe. It’s too big to just tear down. I have to climb it. I have to take the first step, and apply for grants. If I don’t go to college, I’ll be the same as my parents, working until the day they die. I don’t want that!

I have many friends at work who support me, as well as a few that I’ve known for years (looking at you, Denkir) who have been there to help. I have everything I need– I just need to do it. Jump in.

But my fear of success weighs me down.

Oh, wow. I just realized something.

Every time I write a story, it reveals something about myself that I am struggling to change. Divine Defile (started in elementary school) was to deal with my lack of friends, my lust for adventure, and foretold terrible things that would happen to me later in life (which is scary with its accuracy). The Door made me realize that I ran from my problems, rather than faced them (which hit me like a brick to the face when I realized it. I was about to leave Vlad, but stopped). Branded & Banished (I’ll upload a summary later. It didn’t take off, really) was about not feeling accepted in a world where everyone expects so much from you, and finding someone from a different world who sticks with you and helps you confront the world that forsook you (self explanatory, I’d say). Beyond My Eyes was about being more than what you appeared to be on the outside– a world lies behind our eyes, in the recesses of our mind, and it can’t be touched by anyone else. And, finally, Zetty’s story.

To put it as easily as I can, for those of you who haven’t read up on the story or its characters, Zetty has been around since the beginning of time, and she is tired of living. She found someone who cared about her, and he discovered that he was capable of killing her. But he is in love with her, she is oblivious, etc. I will stop there, or else we’ll be here all day.

He tells her that he is able to kill her. At first she doesn’t believe him, but as she accepts it as truth, she is overwhelmed with fear. He says, “The thing you’ve searched for is before you, but now you don’t know what to do with it.” or something of the sort.

Zetty is my mind’s tool to get me out of the shadow of the mountain I’ve built.


Well… Having noticed that makes me feel better. Now…

If you would like to know anything about the story, or its characters:

Zetty’s Picture:

Trat’s Picture:

Chapter One:

Or if you would like follow Zetty’s story on tumblr, or perhaps post something of your own, or ask her a question:

Zetty’s tumblr:

Ask Zetty Anything:

Post something of your own:


I’ll possibly post another chapter in the near future, so…