I’m Baaaaaaack (with an all-new and extremely awesome project)

I really have no excuse for that long absence. Seriously, I don’t– and I’m sorry. However, I have done lots of stuff since the last time I posted. I had his a block in my life in most manners. I had no money, no food, and my creativity was starting to dwindle due to the fear and depression. My hours got cut at my job because we weren’t getting much business, but I understand that. I’m just glad I still have a job.

However, I won’t be getting anywhere with my debt unless I start making more money, so…. I applied for a third-shift job at walmart. They called me back before I could call them. I went through the interview, took the drug test, and Friday, I will go to orientation. After that, the real war will begin. Once I get the hang of working there (and sleeping only when I get the chance– my life will seem similar to the song Caffeine by Psychostick), I expect my hours at Subway will increase back to normal.

I’m enjoying sleep while I can, knowing that I won’t have time to after this week. Of course, I am also saying this because I want to keep blogging as well– perhaps before I pass out each morning/evening.

If I can just pull this off, I will be able to get out of debt within a few months, of this I am confident, and then I’ll be able to start saving up. I’ll be able to buy myself things, and perhaps I can buy my own house, away from noise. In the future, I guess I could always just rent it out if I move, or sell it when I decide to move far away. But I’d like to own something, you know?

Eh, as you can see, my ambitions have increased. My funds, hopefully, will too. I’ll be able to afford to study programming, and I’ll start trying again to learn Japanese, now that I have a friend who wants to learn it with me– and that brings me to my next topic.

You may have noticed that when I start writing a story, I stop working on it soon after having started. That happens a lot for me. I have been writing since 3rd grade, and have started at least 25 stories– and never finished a one. Sure, I’ve completed 2 written manuscripts, and another story is entirely typed except for ONE MAJOR EVENT, but, well… I think I am afraid of success, or something. I’m afraid of what comes after, and I’m terrified that, since I can’t afford to publish them, one of the “free publishing companies” will rip me off. I’m just… terrified of losing my stories to someone else. That’s another reason why I don’t share them.

But after I stopped writing Zetty’s story (which you can find entombed at http://zettytrat.tumblr.com/) I began working on a vampire story (that is sparkle-free, btw) and then, once that left my head— BOOM! Headshot. Something snuck into my brain and took me apart from the inside out. It was so amazing that I sat and wrote out a glossary, and then character profiles, and then looked up tons and tons of Tribal Tattoos and other Tribal markings. I was obsessed with this idea. In love with it.

And then I let two of my friends in on it. One says, Awesome! Can’t wait to read it. The other says, This would make an awesome TRPG, or video game. (TRPG is a table top roleplaying game, for those of you unfamiliar with them) This friend is who got me into TRPGs, namely with Tenra Bansho Zero. His idea of my new story becoming an in-depth TRPG stunned me– and then I started thinking how awesome it would be. So now he an I are working on the system, using such amazing role models for TRPGs such as Tenra Bansho Zero, Call of Cthulhu, and of course D&D. We’ve come up with many unique ideas, and we have a lot of ground to cover. A lot.

Updates on the new story will be on another blog, http://fideandfear.wordpress.com/, where this aforementioned friend is an administrator as well, so if I am working too much and can’t update, he can. So, yeah. Once we get some things figured out, and COPYRIGHTED, I’ll start posting story notes, and perhaps the glossary, and maybe some other things to that blog. Keep an ear to the ground, because once we get everything fleshed out, we are going to use Kickstarter to fund our project. We will definitely have rewards for donors, including a copy of the novel, once I finish it (and I can’t stop working on it. He’s keeping me on target), and other bonuses. This is going to be incredibly fun, if a lot of work. Please support us in this, and give us some feedback! And, of course, leave comments on this blog and that one asking any questions you may have. And, finally, one last thing, when I learn programming and such, I do indeed intend to make this an actual game. Perhaps a PC game that will extend to consoles if it is a success. I, myself, am leaning more toward the PS4, but that’s just me.

So for now, I leave you with the encouragement to follow this project, and tell me what you think! Don’t worry, Zetty’s story isn’t dead, I’m just stepping away from it for now.

I am also not giving up on my gaming channel. Once I get out of debt, I’m buying the hardware and software I need to do that. First thing, I promise.

Mt. Doubt

I’m going to stay busy. As busy as possible. I don’t want to have a social life, anymore. I will be spending much more time working, and I will try to apply for funding to go to college. I can’t stay at this point in my life forever. Sure, I’ll still talk to friends, hang out, perhaps… but not nearly as much as has been. If I don’t watch out, I’ll be in the same situation I was in about a year ago– hating myself for not having taken any step out of the shadow of the mountain I’ve built in front of me.

All my life, I have been afraid to try– afraid to succeed, even. I don’t understand it. I built a wall between me and my goals, and it became a mountain– and my most insufferable foe. It’s too big to just tear down. I have to climb it. I have to take the first step, and apply for grants. If I don’t go to college, I’ll be the same as my parents, working until the day they die. I don’t want that!

I have many friends at work who support me, as well as a few that I’ve known for years (looking at you, Denkir) who have been there to help. I have everything I need– I just need to do it. Jump in.

But my fear of success weighs me down.

Oh, wow. I just realized something.

Every time I write a story, it reveals something about myself that I am struggling to change. Divine Defile (started in elementary school) was to deal with my lack of friends, my lust for adventure, and foretold terrible things that would happen to me later in life (which is scary with its accuracy). The Door made me realize that I ran from my problems, rather than faced them (which hit me like a brick to the face when I realized it. I was about to leave Vlad, but stopped). Branded & Banished (I’ll upload a summary later. It didn’t take off, really) was about not feeling accepted in a world where everyone expects so much from you, and finding someone from a different world who sticks with you and helps you confront the world that forsook you (self explanatory, I’d say). Beyond My Eyes was about being more than what you appeared to be on the outside– a world lies behind our eyes, in the recesses of our mind, and it can’t be touched by anyone else. And, finally, Zetty’s story.

To put it as easily as I can, for those of you who haven’t read up on the story or its characters, Zetty has been around since the beginning of time, and she is tired of living. She found someone who cared about her, and he discovered that he was capable of killing her. But he is in love with her, she is oblivious, etc. I will stop there, or else we’ll be here all day.

He tells her that he is able to kill her. At first she doesn’t believe him, but as she accepts it as truth, she is overwhelmed with fear. He says, “The thing you’ve searched for is before you, but now you don’t know what to do with it.” or something of the sort.

Zetty is my mind’s tool to get me out of the shadow of the mountain I’ve built.


Well… Having noticed that makes me feel better. Now…

If you would like to know anything about the story, or its characters:

Zetty’s Picture: http://ninacrowlace.deviantart.com/art/Zetty-the-Destroyer-418751126

Trat’s Picture: http://ninacrowlace.deviantart.com/art/Trat-Unedited-Rough-427601872

Chapter One: http://ninacrowlace.deviantart.com/art/Chapter-One-The-Voice-Within-419693695

Or if you would like follow Zetty’s story on tumblr, or perhaps post something of your own, or ask her a question:

Zetty’s tumblr: http://zettytrat.tumblr.com/

Ask Zetty Anything: http://zettytrat.tumblr.com/ask

Post something of your own: http://zettytrat.tumblr.com/submit


I’ll possibly post another chapter in the near future, so…

Lesson Learned: Don’t Try New Things, Nina!

At work today, I jokingly said that I wanted a 5-hour energy drink. I had never had one. I was actually surprised when they came back later and handed me one. I drank it, and felt good for about 3o mins, and then things started to go downhill. I began to have trouble breathing. Nothing major at first, but then it started to make me light headed. And dizzy. And then my heart started hurting. Once again, not too bad, but it steadily increased. Add to that stress, movement, and talking. I stopped for a moment, and felt like I was going to topple over. I used my inhaler, but it didn’t seem to help. I stood outside, where the air was cool, and once even isolated myself in the refrigerated area. It helped for a short amount of time, but I had to keep moving.

So when I finally got home, I sat down, and began feeling better. I’ve been sitting here listening to Maximum the Hormone for a couple hours now. My heart still hurts, and I can’t seem to breathe deeply.

Lesson learned: I cannot handle energy drinks. Hope I can sleep tonight.

When I feel like I can safely get up and walk around, I will scan that picture I drew the night before last. I can’t promise I’ll do it tonight.


That is all.

Everything’s Blurred Around the Edges

I feel like life has been going by at sonic speed. I’ve been pulling long shifts at work, voluntarily, of course, and when I get home, I usually collapse and try to inspire myself enough to stay awake… but haven’t written or drawn anything in days. Last night, I got a smack in the face from the creativity bug, and I bounded after it by posting a new interview (Zetty’s Voice, Trat) highlighting his feelings, and even some facts from his childhood.

Then I promptly passed out.

Lately, when not working or sleeping, I have been playing Mortal Kombat: Armageddon. I have a habit of trying to make my characters in games such as these– and Zetty turned out okay. I would probably have better luck on Soul Calibur III, though. I have also had this undeniable urge to draw Zetty… but can’t decide on how to draw her… Should I draw her from before Trat regained his form? Should I draw her interacting with him? Uggghhhhh…. not to mention that the story’s plot is not even begun, yet. Things are going to get so complicated… and… It would simply be unfair to draw Zetty and Trat as a couple… Especially with what is to come in the story.

I think I’ll finally release another chapter today, so keep an eye out for a link to it, if you’re interested. Of course, if you haven’t been keeping up with the story, you can find it on http://zettytrat.tumblr.com/ where the chapters are in the sidebar to the left.

The fun thing about this website is that you can add your own story to it. After the next few chapters, I will be introducing the Dragon Realm, where Trat’s ancestors are. There will be a lot of fun stuff to explore!

But, okay, aside from all of that, I’ve been singing much better lately. Well enough, in fact, that I might try my hand at recording once I find a microphone that doesn’t make me sound even worse.

And as well, I’ve begun to prioritize what I want to buy when I have money enough. The list is quite lengthy, and will take a long time to compile (especially considering that I’m adding new stuff to it everyday).

If anyone’s interested in any of this, please tell me. At this point, I am so scatterbrained that I’m unsure what to blog about anymore. So many different directions to go in, and I’m not sure which one I’m approaching at any point in time.

That Was Fun

I have started up a story on deviantART (yes, another one). It’s another one I started in school (and abandoned for some reason). I have reworked the entire plot, the entire characterization, the entire THING, and made it into something slightly better. No more high-school topic. Which is good. I for one am tired of school-drama type things.

Anyone who would like to read it, I have two parts out, plus a picture of the main character (which, at first, I was afraid to show because I didn’t really like the way the shading turned out). Here are links:

(the picture)

(Introduction. It will make a bit more sense if you read this, but it’s not entirely necessary, I suppose)

(chapter one. I’m in the process of writing chapter two now.)