I’m going to stay busy. As busy as possible. I don’t want to have a social life, anymore. I will be spending much more time working, and I will try to apply for funding to go to college. I can’t stay at this point in my life forever. Sure, I’ll still talk to friends, hang out, perhaps… but not nearly as much as has been. If I don’t watch out, I’ll be in the same situation I was in about a year ago– hating myself for not having taken any step out of the shadow of the mountain I’ve built in front of me.
All my life, I have been afraid to try– afraid to succeed, even. I don’t understand it. I built a wall between me and my goals, and it became a mountain– and my most insufferable foe. It’s too big to just tear down. I have to climb it. I have to take the first step, and apply for grants. If I don’t go to college, I’ll be the same as my parents, working until the day they die. I don’t want that!
I have many friends at work who support me, as well as a few that I’ve known for years (looking at you, Denkir) who have been there to help. I have everything I need– I just need to do it. Jump in.
But my fear of success weighs me down.
Oh, wow. I just realized something.
Every time I write a story, it reveals something about myself that I am struggling to change. Divine Defile (started in elementary school) was to deal with my lack of friends, my lust for adventure, and foretold terrible things that would happen to me later in life (which is scary with its accuracy). The Door made me realize that I ran from my problems, rather than faced them (which hit me like a brick to the face when I realized it. I was about to leave Vlad, but stopped). Branded & Banished (I’ll upload a summary later. It didn’t take off, really) was about not feeling accepted in a world where everyone expects so much from you, and finding someone from a different world who sticks with you and helps you confront the world that forsook you (self explanatory, I’d say). Beyond My Eyes was about being more than what you appeared to be on the outside– a world lies behind our eyes, in the recesses of our mind, and it can’t be touched by anyone else. And, finally, Zetty’s story.
To put it as easily as I can, for those of you who haven’t read up on the story or its characters, Zetty has been around since the beginning of time, and she is tired of living. She found someone who cared about her, and he discovered that he was capable of killing her. But he is in love with her, she is oblivious, etc. I will stop there, or else we’ll be here all day.
He tells her that he is able to kill her. At first she doesn’t believe him, but as she accepts it as truth, she is overwhelmed with fear. He says, “The thing you’ve searched for is before you, but now you don’t know what to do with it.” or something of the sort.
Zetty is my mind’s tool to get me out of the shadow of the mountain I’ve built.
Well… Having noticed that makes me feel better. Now…
If you would like to know anything about the story, or its characters:
Zetty’s Picture: http://ninacrowlace.deviantart.com/art/Zetty-the-Destroyer-418751126
Or if you would like follow Zetty’s story on tumblr, or perhaps post something of your own, or ask her a question:
Zetty’s tumblr: http://zettytrat.tumblr.com/
Ask Zetty Anything: http://zettytrat.tumblr.com/ask
Post something of your own: http://zettytrat.tumblr.com/submit
I’ll possibly post another chapter in the near future, so…