Have I Been Lying to Myself?

Usually, I can go at least a month– maybe up to three months– without suffering a bout of depression. However, when Vlad leaves, and I can’t talk to him, see him… I begin to become volatile. I will have a couple days when I’m okay, and then I will become overwhelmed with anger for the next two or three. And then the immense sadness, and regret will wash over me, and I’ll drown in it for at least three days.

Today I felt both the anger and the sadness. I felt like screaming, like destroying things. I also wanted to hurt myself. Memories swirled around in my head, thundering my own disapproval of myself over and over, whirling and striking me where it most hurt. And I realized I may have been lying to myself.

Let me explain what was in my head– and maybe it will help me. When I was in high school (particularly freshman and sophomore years) I had not yet know that I was extremely awkward. I didn’t know how to interact with people, and, when forced to, I would humiliate myself with things that didn’t make sense or just looked or sounded outright stupid.

So what? Well, my biggest hope in high school was to be in the chorus and drama classes– because at that time, I had wanted to go into that field. SPOILER: I gave up.

When I finally got into those classes, I had only a couple friends in there. Everyone was like a family– it was something I desperately wanted to be a part of. I kept to myself entirely, out of fear that they would shun me– since, aside from the few friends I did have, everyone seemed to dislike me. Several people, including the teacher, openly encouraged me to join in, and interact with them… and so I did.

And was immediately made the class pariah. Even my friends that were in that class would COMPLETELY ignore me as soon as we entered the class. I didn’t understand. I realized that the class was not a family, but a clique. One that I was definitely not welcome in.

It was during the time I had those classes that my depression cycled crazily. I would cry every day– usually when I would get home– and I had even less self-esteem than before. I wanted to die, because I felt that the one group I thought would appreciate me– they hated me. I was in a musical production of “Little Shop of Horrors” that pains me to remember. If I watch or even think about it, it makes me want to hurt myself. I remember all the pain, all the humiliation. I remember just how much I hated myself.

And even though that time has passed, every time I think about it, I find that I hate myself just as much, if not more.

So what prompted this sudden self-loathing? I seemed to be doing so well! I was even saying things like “I’m completely satisfied with myself right now.”

Well, one of the girls that was in those classes works with us. Usually she works at the other store, and she mostly works mornings– but tonight she came to our store and took charge. Why does this matter?

She was one of the ones who encouraged me to interact. She was also one that gave me the most disgusted looks. Not to mention she has always been a favorite to teachers, and everyone else at work knows she is the bosses’ favorite. She can bend the rules, and they don’t say a word.

And every damn time I look at her, I feel that loathing crawl up my throat, stabbing, stabbing, stabbing.

She talks to me like I’m a child– at least that’s how it seems. She treats me like an idiot. And when I stopped to eat, she said some things that felt like she was being passive aggressive. As if I didn’t deserve to eat, that I wasn’t working hard enough.

And who knows. Maybe that much was all in my head. I still despise her for the memories she brings up in me, even if the rest doesn’t really exist. I can’t stand to even look at her.

But that hatred doesn’t touch her nearly as much as me. I am reminded so much that I hate myself that, given something to do it with, I would hurt myself right then. Usually, I don’t get that bad– but being around her makes me so angry, so wild with hatred…

Have I been lying to myself? Am I really satisfied with who I am? Of course not. I never will be, as long as I have memory.

But I’ve decided. I will move to Lexington. I will move there– and I won’t come back until I am done with college and have a good job. Because I don’t ever want her to have the ability to look at me like that again. In disgust. Like she’s so much damn better than me.

 

I’m sorry for having cursed. Usually I keep a tighter lid on than that… but I just can’t tonight. I’m tired, and I feel like I have a hole in me. I feel like I’m being crushed by that hatred and that misery. And I left the rest of my sandwich at work– so I can’t eat anything else tonight.

I have way too much to get done in too little amount of time. So tomorrow, when I get home from work, I will not be getting on here. I will be busy cleaning. And, I pray to God I don’t have to see her again any time soon. At least until Vlad gets back. When he has time for me, I don’t hurt as much.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Have I Been Lying to Myself?

  1. Sigh… I’m sure I’ve told you to adopt an apathy towards the people who you don’t assign worth in right? Who the hell cares what any of the condescending people we went to High School with think; you know where most of them are now? They’ve dropped out of college, gotten knocked up, put in jail, or are stuck in dead end jobs because the one thing they never had to do in High School was learning how to actually act in society; society is not a collaborative effort of sharing a single brain and inability to treat people as equals to fuel one’s own ego. (Note, you are working to get money to afford college which is completely different than being handed every oppourtunity with minimal work and then blowing the opportunity like many of our classmates.)

    Another issue you began to notice, you use your boyfriend as your main means of maintaining sanity; he won’t be there all the time to fulfill that job so it would be beneficial to learn to control your emotions in a healthy way. An issue that will always be present is the judgement of others, even based on things you used to do that you no longer do; this is where proving them wrong with your actions in the present and future goes a long way. Get the works in motion for that college plan, that’s the best first step to take. A good thought to keep in mind is what can I do to show these assholes they were wrong at our 10 year reunion.

    • yeah… I know I need to find something healthier to rely on. I used to rely on music, on games, on art, but its really hard to quell this utter rage that courses through me. It’s not just about him, I believe. I got to where I don’t have to see or talk to him every day to feel okay. In fact, I felt fine entirely until yesterday. it is quite strange just how much she pissed me off just by being there.
      On another note, this animosity seems to be one-sided. Apparently, she took up for me once or twice at work– which shocks me and confuses me.
      also, she won’t be at our 10 year reunion, because she didn’t graduate the same year as us.
      I kinda feel like a b*tch for having assumed she hated me. Back in high school, i thought everyone hated me. In fact, they hated me until proven otherwise, in my mind. I was too trusting of people, even so…

      • Unless it’s certain individuals, like Kane or Victoria, I don’t think it’s really necessary to harbor any lasting ill feelings towards anyway from school; they were confused then and some have grown out of it at least somewhat. Unless they’ve specifically crossed a line somewhere along the line that is in fact inexcusable I feel like giving people a second chance could be a good step to enact.

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s