Aside from the fact that I am still completely awkward in social situations, I have decided that the main reason I am not social, really, is because I can’t formulate words correctly in everyday speech unless I’m somehow functioning overboard, in which case I sound like a know-it-all who uses thesaurus words like bubble gum. When it comes to talking to people on a day-to-day basis, unless they know me and like the same things I like, or are somewhat awkward like me, I come off as a complete moron. Either that, or a schizophrenic. That was my defense mechanism in school: make them think you’re insane, and they’ll stop asking you to help with their work. It worked, but it made it hard to make any friends.
So what is my strong point, then? Writing. From a young age, I took writing and it made me somewhat normal. Not according to my peers (I would hear things like “what are you writing? what class is that for?” and when I told them I was writing for fun, they would either just look at me like I was stupid, or would ask if there was something wrong with me), but it gave me a relative normality. It got to where my writing outreached my speech. Plus, my voice is a bit annoying, so writing isn’t really the worse of the two means of communication.
In other words, I write much better than I speak, unless certain circumstances are provided, where I need to speak somewhat formally. Perhaps this is another reason why I want to learn Japanese so badly? To be apart of a culture that values intellect more than it’s valued here (at least in the general area in which I live)? A country that places the same amount of focus, if not more, on intelligence as opposed to beauty… It’s a place that haunts my dreams.
Well, that aside, now you understand why I feel much more at home in front of my keyboard than in front of a microphone. I am still riding that wave of excitement and happiness from yesterday, if you can’t tell by how cheerful I’ve written (or is it only I that can tell the difference in mood based off which words I use and how I use them?), so I apologize if what I’ve typed doesn’t seem entirely coherent. I get a bit carried away when I’m excited. It’s the one time that I function just as uselessly in public as when writing.